Far out. All I wanted to do today was have a faux feminist huff and then sit outside with a Coke Zero and a fresh packet of Marlboros, but no. Some whiny little manbitch had to poke at my pride, much like Jesus being skewered on the cross, and now I'm here, having to update this thing instead.
How did this unjust scenario arise? Whilst perusing the Vogue Forums for new ways to dispose of my non-disposable income, I came across a thread lauding the arrival of a new range of low fat, no sugar icecreams. My hatred of diet products (aside from sugarfree softdrinks for dental reasons) is strong at the best of times, but when they are combined with an insipid marketing campaign involving "fashion launches" supported by Ralph Magazine, and a vacuous "Skinny Cow" diary as part of the branding, my hatred spills across the spectrum of disbelief into Chernobyl territory. Aside from the mindless diary constructions of Modern Woman (TM) dilemmas ("oh gosh, I hope I can stop at one glass of chardy less I end up occy-strapped to some dude's bed with my panties fashioned into a gag whilst he dresses as Big Bird and nibbles at my feet!")*, the prospect of making the exciting choice between sticks or cups reads as less culinary decision and more sheltered workshop training.
Late last year, the same target audience as inhabits the Vogue Forums were getting their miniscule knickers in a knot over Skinny Bitch, a vegan diet book written by a former model and a former modelling agent. Leaving my trainwreck addiction to Australia's Next Top Molehill at the door, the tome of "ethical" weightloss from a couple of washed up clotheshorses really got my goat (and sheep, and bull) up. Taking popularised celebrity diets like Atkins to another level, this book attempts to provide aspiration through insult. The fact that Victoria Beckham perusing a copy was the catalyst for it entering the greater public eye provides a more than adequete summation for its existence.
Skinny Cow. Skinny Bitch. What's next, Dozey Bint, the DIY Guide to Getting a Man in Bed? Pregnant Scrag, the DIY Guide to Keeping Him? Airy Slut, How to Match Your Diet to Your Skull Contents? Honestly, it's enough to send a lady scrabbling for a bottle of gin, a block of gruyere, and a job in an abbatoir.
I'm sure you're wondering where this hysterical ranting fits in with today's recipe. No, I didn't go out and slaughter a few of our four-legged friends in protest. But I did have a think about how my previous blog title, "Cook This, Bitch" fits in with the other appropriations of female insults, and I decided that knowing that I am a self-hating human first and a woman second wasn't going to be apparent in the eyes of casual readers. So to avoid being lumped in with the trash, my new header is "Smoking in the Kitchen." You may read this as you wish (as long as you know that I was considering Smoking in the Girl's Room but it only had double entendres and not triple as per the kitchen reference).
Anyway, on with the show, so I can get back to painting my nails and sticking cut outs of Ann Coulter's head onto knackery horse bodies. Hey, I don't just hate her 'coz she's XY.
Ingredients
1 schnitzel-cut slab of veal per person
1 tin of tomatoes, smashed up with a knife
1 tin of water
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
2 french shallots, finely diced
1 clove organic garlic, finely diced
1 1/2 teaspoons mixed dried Italian herbs
2 tablespoons green olives, chopped
1 eggplant, cut into 5mm slices
3/4 cup mozzarella cheese, grated
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Steamed vegetables to serve
Method
1. In a saucepan, heat a good glug of olive oil, add shallots and garlic, and sweat over a gentle heat until they begin to caramelise. Add the tomato, water, balsamic vinegar and herbs, bring to the boil then reduce heat to a slow simmer and cook for about an hour, until tomatoes are pulpy. Add olives and salt and pepper to taste, remove from heat, set aside.
2. Meanwhile, salt the eggplant slices and allow to sit for 10-15 minutes to draw out any bitterness. Rinse and dry well with a tea towel. Slosh a few glugs of olive oil into a fry pan, heat and fry eggplant slices in batches until golden, turning to cook both sides. Remove from pan and drain on paper towel.
3. Heat grill to hot. Line a shallow baking tray with foil. Season your veal steaks with salt and pepper. Heat some more olive oil in the same pan as used for the eggplant, and cook for about a minute on each side. Remove from pan immediately.
4. To construct your parmagiana - place the veal steaks on the baking tray. Place slices of eggplant evenly over each steak. Top with napoli sauce and mozzarella. Place under grill and cook until cheese is bubbling and golden.
5. Serve with a merlot blend and steamed vegetables. Know that the world is one skinny cow down and better for it.
*Apologies to anyone who actually visited the Skinny Cow website expecting more of such titillations. You didn't really think that people who care about kilojoules would have such depravity contained within them, did you?
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