I should preface this entry by saying that normally, I'd stab people who regard the construction of food, rather than the cooking as a "recipe". That's not to say I'm a purist - I can see the need for instruction in toasting bread amongst the kitchen newbs, and certainly wouldn't begrudge such fine publications as the Commonsense Cookery Book or the Australian Women's Weekly for including such simplicities in their breakfast sections. However, it must be said that amongst the published celebrity cooks, there is a disturbing trend for tizzying up a couple of fried eggs with some parsley and passing it off as nouvelle cuisine. FAIL. Let's call a spade a spade and accept that construction and creation are two different things, and be done with it.
So having got that little rant off my chest, I can unashamedly say that this is NOT a recipe, this is a blueprint. Breakfast Buns. Kinda like a hamburger but not. Kinda like a fry up but not. Kinda like the best thing you could ever consume after a big night, but not not. If you can keep this down, you'll be right, and if you can't, you'll be right too.
The first time I came across the idea of a Breakfast Bun I was hungover to the shizens after being forced to consume vast amounts of red wine and homemade, rubbing-alcohol based limoncello by my best friend. I was also vegetarian at the time, so instead of leftover barbie snags and ham, I padded out my slightly-squashed hamburger roll (probably resultant from shennanigans the night before) with NotBacon and Veggie Sausages. I then drowned the lot in melted cheese and barbecue sauce. Combined with a couple of codiene-heavy painkillers and a strong coffee, it killed off my hangover within minutes of its consumption. Voila! The Breakfast Bun was born.
As I said before, this is not a recipe, it's a blueprint. But instead of being the plans for an architecturally intricate modern building, it's more of a guide to building a humpy. You can include whatever you like on the Breakfast Bun, as long as you follow three set rules.
1. The Breakfast Bun innards must be fried, either on a barbecue plate, stovetop grill or, at a pinch, in a frypan.
2. Anything included in a Breakfast Bun must follow the golden ratio of 1 part charcoal to 2 parts fat to 7 parts other. The "other" can be whatever you can get your hands on during the cold, sad half hour it will take you to shuffle and stagger around making the damn things. (See FAQ for a guide to selection of Breakfast Bun fillings, and for what to do if the shuffle and stagger is too much for your fragile body to deal with).
3. The Breakfast Bun must be buttered and sauced. The spread selection is up to you. Anyone who requests "no butter" should be shown the door.
I can hear the doubters questioning my cooking method as well as the inclusion of fat and charcoal as necessary ingredients. To them I wish a thousand raging hangovers and an overworked emergency department the next time they need a gastric lavage. That's right, charcoal is good for you. Suck it up, follow the rules and you will be well on your way to recovery through deliciousness.
Now you may have gathered that this dish is not going to be particularly complex, however, sometimes the simplest things are those which stump us. And thus, I have put together a Breakfast Bun FAQ to cover any further questions before we get on with the all-important business of construction.
Breakfast Bun FAQ
Q. Must I be hungover to the shizens to partake in Breakfast Buns?
A. No. However, if you are normally a health-conscious consumer, the sense of relief gained from consumption of a Breakfast Bun when sober may be outweighed by terror resultant from mental calculations of caloric intake. Plus, if you're not hungover it's likely you'll be in a state which would be conducive to making a "proper" breakfast rather than this trainwreck. But if you're still up for it - good on you.
Q. If I am normally a health-conscious consumer, can I adjust this recipe to be less of a time bomb and more of a vitamin pill?
A. If you're normally a health-conscious consumer, what are you doing getting so drunk that you're considering eating this at all? Enjoy your branflakes, numbskull.
Q. I have many potential ingredients for Breakfast Bun fillings lying around my kitchen. How do I choose which ones to use?
A. When contemplating the inclusion of ingredients in a Breakfast Bun, you should ask yourself several questions. Firstly, will this hurt if I ralph? Secondly, would I be ashamed if my loved ones saw me eating this? Thirdly, does this ingredient have the ability to meet the golden ratio of Breakfast Bun filling? If a potential ingredient fulfils all three criteria correctly, then go ahead and chuck it in.
Q. What if I am too hungover to contemplate the construction, let alone the consumption, of the Breakfast Bun?
A. This could be a massive fail, but never fear! Unless you're a sad drunk, there should be a couple of semi-comatose comrades passed out around your house. Find the least responsive of these and prod them until they're slightly functional. If they're anything like my friends, you'll then be able to coerce them into making you food whilst still severely limited in their consciousness - and thus unable to fight back. As for the issues of consumption - as detailed earlier, if you can keep this down you'll be right; if you can't you'll be right too.
Now for today's blueprint.
Breakfast Buns by Hun Glover
Ingredients
1 - 2 buns per person (today I used some ciabatta)
1 leftover sausage per person (today I used Bratwurst)
1 egg per bun
Onions and tomatoes, sliced (enough for all the buns - 1 small tomato and half an onion per person should do it)
Butter / spread; sauces of your choice (today I used Berenberg Hahndorf Tomato Sauce)
Olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
(Other suggestions - eggplant, mushrooms, jalapenos, capsicum, zucchini and squash all barbecue well and can be made to fit the golden ratio by dousing them in olive oil. It goes without saying that bacon and other meat products would be a bonzer addition. Cheese of any variety is also good if you have some cut up already. Baby spinach can be a fancy touch if you've got some leftover from dinner the night before. Actually, scrap that - greenery is for sooks at this time of the morning.)
Method1. Turn the barbecue on. As tempting as it may seem to have the luxury of a pre-heated grill, it is not worth leaving the barbie on overnight if you're running off portables - an empty gas bottle is the last thing you need on a hungover morning.
2. While the barbie is heating up, douse your veggies in a good helping of olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Slice the buns in half. Take a couple of the concentrated codiene lollies I referred to earlier. Don't panic.
3. Chuck the onions on the barbie and let them cook until they're beginning to brown. Chuck on the leftover snags (and any other meat you have to go with them). Once the meats are getting near done, chuck on the tomatoes and eggs.
4. Throw the sliced buns on the grill and let them heat through.
5. To construct: liberally butter and sauce each bun. Stack your fillings one on top of the other. Finish with salt and pepper to taste, and more sauce. Serve with the hair of the dog (or strong tea / coffee) and do it all over again.
